Quicker than a Lindsay Lohan relapse, Paris was released from prison after serving a whopping five days, shorter than a typical shopping spree, behind bars in a “special needs” facility in Los Angeles County.
She’s not “free” though, and must be “confined” to her Hollywood Hills estate, which is squeezed onto a 6,380-square foot lot, and be forced to wear a non-designer, electronic monitoring ankle bracelet.
The Los Angeles County Sherriff’s Department citied an “unspecified medical condition” as being the reason for her release, particularly since Court Judge Michael T. Sauer had ruled she would not be allowed any work release, furloughs or use of an alternative jail or electronic monitoring in lieu of jail, after twice violating her probation for a reckless driving under the influence of her mother and alcohol.
So what might her unspecified medical condition be?
A staph infection has been ruled out, despite an outbreak at Lynwood, the prison she made her home for so long, where she was even said to be given a pamphlet about staph infection prevention, although whether her publicist actually read it to her is unlikely.
Already, reports had surfaced, that like Ghandi before her, Paris was not eating. Is it possible that Ghandi too, had an eating disorder, and cleverly disguised it by calling it a hunger strike, much the same way sufferers of Attention Deficit Disorder position it on their resumes, pointing to their Aderall prescriptions as a proven ability to multi-task.
Another report, this from the bottom-feeding AOL property known as TMZ, claimed Paris was cold and having difficulty sleeping with only two of three blankets, having to use the third as a pillow. But in a post Ambien patent day and age, where cheap, generic zolpidem is as easy to get as cocaine in Los Angeles, is insomnia really a legitimate enough medical condition to warrant release?
Maybe Paris was hearing voices. Although if schizophrenia -- defined as a psychiatric diagnosis characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality -- was the cause, Paris would have been institutionalized long ago.
Maybe Sarah Silverman was right to worry, when hosting the MTV Movie Awards where Paris sat in the audience on the same evening she turned herself in, and she did indeed break her teeth on the prison bars, which Silverman claimed guards had painted pink to resemble penises.
Never one to miss out on an opportunity to race-bait, the Reverend Al Sharpton, immediately denounced Hilton’s release, stating it had "all of the appearances of economic and racial favoritism."
So what could it be? Is Bulimia the new get-out-of jail-free card? What about a good old fashioned tantrum?
Privacy laws in California preclude reporters from finding out the specifics of her medical condition, but it seems it seems like Google Ads had the answer all along.
When I checked Dictionary.com to confirm a specific definition of the word “tantrum,” (which includes among others, “a sudden burst of ill-temper” of the sort Paris’ mother, Kathy Hilton, displayed in the court upon the sentencing) I was offered the following three options:
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