- I voted for Trump because I hate the fact that I two people who love each other can marry each other. And who better to emblematize the sanctity of marriage than a pussy grabbing adulterer currently on his third marriage?
- I voted for Trump because I believe oil companies deserve multi-million dollar subsidies but the government providing a helping hand to those who have fallen on hard times, or who aren’t privileged, is unfair and revolting to me.
- I voted for Trump because I believe his administration will do a better job of spending my money on things like affordable healthcare or another golfing trip to Mar-A-Lago than I would funding my opiate addiction or paying for health insurance.
- I voted for Trump because censorship is fine if you dare to criticize the President or try and build a mosque, but the Second Amendment is absolute and has no nuance whatsoever.
- I voted for Trump because although I’m responsible enough to own a gun, I don’t see why felons, murderers, thieves and people with mental illness shouldn’t also be able to buy enough weaponry to open up an armory, and am grateful to be led by a nouveau riche Manhattan arriviste who knows his guns and won't come after them like Obama did.
- I voted for Trump because I believe that people who know enough about science to make the mobile device, wireless and Internet, that I use to amplify my conspiracy theories on blogs and podcasts, know nothing about climate science, polar ice caps and carbon footprints or anything that might require me having to sacrifice driving the biggest, gas-guzzling vehicle possible.
- I voted for Trump because I’m so concerned about the lives of fetuses I’m willing to compare them to children, so long as they (and their entitled mothers) don’t expect handouts once they’re actually born. And so we can continue to call ourselves pro-life while killing as many death row inmates as quickly as possible, before DNA or other science is able to exonerate them.
- I voted for Trump because I don’t think illegal aliens should be able to work hard and pay taxes, nor be entitled to strong families, even though we call ourselves the Family Values party. And so we can break up their families to prevent them from eventually outvoting us, and thinking they can compensate for it with unfertile pockets of lands and casino rights as if we’re Native Americans.
- I voted for Trump because I believe that businesses should be allowed to make profits for themselves by enjoying tax-free infrastructure Americans paid for with hard-earned tax dollars, shirking the slightest bit of regulation and oversight, and at the expense of dumping toxins into our rivers and polluting our skies. That’s why God made rubber wet suits and gas masks.
- I voted for Trump because I believe conservative judges need to sit on the Supreme Court no matter what nefarious rules we break to ensure it and despite the Constitutional imperative of a President to nominate and seat a justice. And enable activist senators to ignore the will of the voters, in the name of curtailing activist judges.
- I voted for Trump because I think that it’s better to ignore our own trope of “let the market decide” and instead, dissuade and unfairly penalize already-profitable, environmentally-friendly renewable energy companies so we can continue to rely on planet-destroying fossil fuels by simply slapping “clean” labels onto them. And by drilling offshore, in the Arctic and anywhere else we might suffer more oil spills, so we don’t offend BP, Exxon-Mobil and other old school energy companies. Or expect them to fend for themselves with their subsidized, multi-billion dollar profits and who need our protection more than “welfare moms” working two jobs.
- I voted for Trump because I was so offended by the idea of Hillary Clinton’s email server compromising classified intelligence, I thought we would be better off ignoring warnings, and opting for an unvetted friend of Vladimir Putin as National Security Adviser and who lied about working as a foreign agent to secure top level security clearance. Only to be fired. And then blamed on Obama.
- I voted Trump because he’s so busy signing meaningless, legally indefensible Executive Orders and playing golf at Mar-A-Lago every weekend, it helps me forget how incensed and outraged I was when President Obama did it on occasion, which also helps me turn a blind eye to treason, malfeasance, nepotism and incompetence, so long as I can keep chanting USA, USA loudly enough.
- I voted for Trump because I want a President who hides his tax returns so that we can feel secure that our interests are paramount to his business interests, and we don’t let nepotism get in the way of conflicts of interest, derspite glaring evidence to the contrary.
- I voted for Trump so that we could gleefully gut the State Department by 37% whilst still screaming, albeit very occasionally now, Benghazi with the appropriate amount of self-righteous indignation.
*No pregnant rape victims who were denied abortions were killed by mentally ill gunmen in the drafting of this list. (Married women, who can’t be raped anyway, weren’t included in the count.)
