Guess which anorexic-looking stick-figure just turned 50?
No, not Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger. She’s 51.
It’s none other than the plastic toy for a new Botox generation. Barbie.
Never before has the controversial doll been better suited for our times. From Nicole Richie’s spindly arms to Nicole Kidman’s frozen face, attaining the once impossible proportions of Barbie is fast becoming a cinch with the right pills and the right stylists.
But no matter how many tablets she pops, faux pas she utters or facelifts she endures, like Courtney Love’s lips, Barbie just keeps bouncing back.
Just when you thought young girls were about to equal boys in the gaming and tech sector, a survey of parents done by the National Retail Federation found that Barbie is the top toy for girls this holiday season.
In 1989, Teen Talk Barbie proved to be the final straw for many. People who were already upset at Barbie's impossibly attainable figure and her way of turning innocent play into superficial consumerism, couldn't believe their ears when Barbie's electric voice box giggled: "Math is hard!"
In September 1998, Annoy.com released a parody, Phen-fen Barbie. Although black, she wasn't packaged as a McDonalds employee like Mattel's black Barbie was, but actually developed her eating disorder without Big Macs and economic disadvantages to make her vomit.
Phen-fen Barbie includes little toy pharmaceuticals to help suppress her appetite, and comes with a little Barbie-branded toilet bowl for her to vomit in -- after she’s moved a few little toy lettuce leaves around her plate with a special Barbie fork.
Perhaps for her fiftieth, Mattel will finally release the long-awaited Fatso Barbie, cackling "Fat is hot." It is, after all, the new black. She can hook up with gayer than gay Ken’s homophobic, anti-Semitic cousin, Mel.
Don't count on it though. Closet Ken and the lily-white anorexic aren't going anywhere anytime soon.